Okay ambitious girls in military relationships, let’s talk about this recent quote from writer Rebecca Solnit:
“One of the things about being a girl is that, often, no one encourages you to be ambitious. Sometimes you’re told you’re going to be a failure, but it’s more fun to rebel against that than rebelling against the idea you’re going to be a success—which is what a lot of guys get told. I got to rebel by succeeding, and it surprised everyone, including myself.”
I don’t know about you, but I do sometimes feel like I’m rebelling against military spouse culture by being ambitious. We are told to support our soldiers. We are told to manage the home front. We are rarely told to be something great ourselves. Our identity and our accomplishments are usually tied to being the other half of the military. It can almost be perceived as a betrayal when we choose to pursue our own ambitions instead of following those of the military.
Solnit was right when she said, “one of the things about being a girl is that, often, no one encourages you to be ambitious. Sometimes you’re told you’re going to be a failure”. She wasn’t even talking directly to military significant others but she may as well have been. We are told that everything about succeeding will be harder. Finding military spouses who have built their own identities and awesome careers aside from their relationship can still be a bit of a scavenger hunt.
I don’t know why it is still considered rebellious to be ambitious as a military significant other. Telling other spouses that you have a degree from Princeton and are pursuing a Masters and hoping to work in a tough field will usually get you a response along the lines of “oh, well, good for you.” However, I do know that going against the expectations about your role is not just rebellious but also fulfilling. So I am telling you now to be rebellious and go against the mold. You just might succeed along the way.
The Ambition Mission 
I think its possible to be an all rounder. I have a full time job and do educational courses and diplomas in my free time and when my OH is away. Without these things I’d also worry myself senseless so it serves a number of requirements. Improving skills, knowledge, enjoyment, distraction…
We can have it all x
Love your blog.
I feel the same way. I am a girlfriend of a corporal in the army, yet my blog is all about my future career. While I do love my boyfriend of 2 and a half years, I do feel as though society expects me to drop my career goals for him. I fell in love with him and my dream and I’m determined to have both!
So true! My husband is active duty Air Force. I married right out of college (just about a year and a half ago) and I’m still determined to finish my master’s degree and… move on with my own ambitions. That means something different for everyone, but it seems like a disproportionate number of military spouses sit back and resign themselves to selling Scentsy or taking photographs or whatever the current trendy things happens to be.
I wish more spouses would think out of the box and live their own lives! With that said, marrying into the military does come with its sacrifices, and it does make some of those ambitions a little harder to chase–it kind of goes with the territory. So does living for success, though, not just to get through the sacrifices.
I read this a while ago, and wanted to respond, but I had to think about it… I was reminded of it when I saw your most recent post – congratulations on your engagement! You bring up points that spouses discuss a lot… but for me personally, I see it from a different angle. I’ve been married to my active duty husband for nearly a decade, and we’ve moved 5 times. I have a Master’s degree and I pursued my career at each location before I chose to stay home with my kids. Now I exercise my professional skills in personal and freelance capacities. I’ve had varying levels of involvement with my husband’s unit. I agree that spouses’ identities can get tangled in their service member’s. It takes some time and practice to learn how to carve your niche and build “you.” But in my experience, I don’t think it’s seen as betrayal to pursue a career/personal passions outside the military life. On the contrary, I think commanders want to see more spouses like that, so that those spouses who are having trouble untangling themselves can learn. Also, the community aspect of the military is SO vital to everyone’s happiness. Sometimes I see people confusing community with conformity and I think there’s a very important line between them,
When first I read your comment that finding spouses with successful careers was a scavenger hunt, I paused and thought about it. Honestly, I’ve met so many who have maintained and advanced their careers in this life. And when other spouses ask about them, I’ve seen more excitement, motivation, and appreciation from other spouses and commanders than dismissal. YES – it definitely has added challenges when PCS’s are factored into it, but to be truthful, over the years I’ve grown more and more impressed with how resourceful military spouses are when it comes to this area. So many of them recognize their talents and dreams and find really creative ways to exercise them and make them a reality in a life that requires constant transition. Regarding your point of being told to support/told to manage the homefront, honestly I think this is just a reality of the situation. There’s no getting around the fact that the service member has to leave and we have to stay home. They need the support so they can stay focused, and we need to keep the homefront afloat so we can keep operating as usual — including that homefront being our own careers, our own happiness. I don’t feel like they stop at this though; it’s paired with what they tell the service member: support your family. Take care of your spouse. Make sure they’re settled and happy. Here are resources and connections to give them to help them settle in…. Every time my husband has returned from deployment, his commanders have said this. Every time we’ve moved, his commanders have said this. I really do feel supported by the military and by my husband, just as I support them. It is, after all, a life of service and I think it goes both ways.
Your encouragement to other spouses to pursue ambitions is awesome. And your blog is clearly created out of a desire to help others. Sorry for my novel here, but I really wanted to respond… just a different perspective to ponder. Very best wishes to you and your fiance, and keep the mission going. 🙂