We Rebel by Succeeding

Okay ambitious girls in military relationships, let’s talk about this recent quote from writer Rebecca Solnit:

“One of the things about being a girl is that, often, no one encourages you to be ambitious. Sometimes you’re told you’re going to be a failure, but it’s more fun to rebel against that than rebelling against the idea you’re going to be a    success—which is what a lot of guys get told. I got to rebel by succeeding, and it surprised everyone, including myself.”

I don’t know about you, but I do sometimes feel like I’m rebelling against military spouse culture by being ambitious. We are told to support our soldiers. We are told to manage the home front. We are rarely told to be something great ourselves. Our identity and our accomplishments are usually tied to being the other half of the military. It can almost be perceived as a betrayal when we choose to pursue our own ambitions instead of following those of the military.

Solnit was right when she said, “one of the things about being a girl is that, often, no one encourages you to be ambitious. Sometimes you’re told you’re going to be a failure”. She wasn’t even talking directly to military significant others but she may as well have been. We are told that everything about succeeding will be harder. Finding military spouses who have built their own identities and awesome careers aside from their relationship can still be a bit of a scavenger hunt.

I don’t know why it is still considered rebellious to be ambitious as a military significant other. Telling other spouses that you have a degree from Princeton and are pursuing a Masters and hoping to work in a tough field will usually get you a response along the lines of “oh, well, good for you.” However, I do know that going against the expectations about your role is not just rebellious but also fulfilling. So I am telling you now to be rebellious and go against the mold. You just might succeed along the way.

Quote of the Week: August 25

The hardest part of making any progress is often just starting. It can be difficult to get yourself going. I am a perfectionist and don’t want to do anything until I know I have a perfect plan to accomplish my goal. However, I have learned through experience with the military lifestyle that you can’t be a perfectionist with your career. You have to roll with the punches and just get started, even without a plan in front of you.

Are you Settling In Your Career?

Are you settling with your career? You had big plans and thought you would of course be able to achieve anything you put your mind to. Then, you realize it is harder than you thought it would be to find that great career and maintain your personal life as well. With all the moves required by the military, the deployments and other obstacles thrown at you, it takes all your effort just to make sure you are standing straight. Your career soon becomes “good enough” for now and you tell yourself you will fix it in a few years. You settle.

I think this might be one of the things that scares me most about the military lifestyle, because I have seen it happen to so many others. Other stuff, often military related, gets in the way.  It becomes too scary to take a risk with your career.

It can be hard to know when you are settling but it often takes a realization and a wake up call to realize that you are not where you want to be with your professional life. This article from Levo League, “How to Know If You’re Settling” has some advice on what to do when you realize you’re settling:

“[People who settle] don’t really know what they want, and they might try to figure it out “one day;” but for right now they’re too busy’ (with tedious, busy-work kind of stuff) to bother.

They’re certainly not miserable, but they’re also not happy. You get the sense that they’re in the passenger seat of life, being driven from one milestone to another, not really questioning much about the journey (or even what the ultimate destination is).

1. Don’t be afraid to rock the boat, upset the status quo, or dip your toe outside of your comfort zone. Discomfort comes with the territory of change. You can’t avoid it, but you can accept it.

2. Realize that fear and risk might feel big and overwhelming at the time, but they don’t last very long (and there’s a big reward at the other end).

3. Know that the real risk is wasting years of your life settling for “good enough” and realizing at the end that there was no reward waiting for you.”

Quote of the Week: July 28

Success is never easy, whether the military is involved or not. It is easy to sit back and dream up all your career plans; it is another thing to wake up every day and take actionable goals to achieve those plans. Make a list of small things to accomplish every week. It can be as small as setting up a LinkedIn page or buying file folders to organize your next job search. No matter what it is, try to accomplish something every week so you will be making progress one step at a time. Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

Is it Possible to Be a Tough Career Woman and a Supportive Military SO at the Same Time?

Alyssa Mastromonaco, Obama’s former Deputy Chief of Staff, has been making headlines lately for defending her choice to leave the White House to join Marie Clare Magazine. Politico questioned her decision to join a woman’s magazine instead of a more “serious” endeavor. According to Politico: “Women are not allowed to be ugly people because women—and nowhere more than in such women’s magazines that reduce female political leaders to their supposed fashion and lifestyle choices—are not really allowed to be people at all.”

Alyssa Mastromonaco and President Obama

Mastromonaco hit back with an op-ed in The Washington Post that rejected the idea that women’s magazines are not serious work. Further, she argued that women should be able to pursue their interest in fashion and beauty outside of the office without sacrificing their tough professional image. According to Mastromonaco, “Thankfully, a new generation of young, ambitious women refuses to be hampered by the apparent double standard and rejects the idea that their interest in fashion, beauty and fitness somehow connotes anything beyond just that.” After all, men can be CEO’s and still be allowed to watch football.

Why does this matter for women in military relationships? Mastromonaco is bringing to the forefront the difficulty that women have being seen as nurturing and feminine as well as professional and ambitious. In a military world, where we do have to assume more responsibilities at home doing things like cleaning, taking care of the kids and supporting our husbands, it can be hard to be seen as both a “stay at home” type of woman and a career woman.  We are often pigeon holed into one of the other. You are either a “traditional” woman concerned with maintaining your home or you are a woman working outside of the home too much. Pursuing our own professional interests outside of managing our homes and supporting our soldiers is sometimes seen as a betrayal.

How is it possible that you could pursue your professional ambition while also being a good military partner? I don’t know why those are seen as disconnected, but I think it goes back to Mastromonaco’s point.  We have to stop assuming that women can either be part of the feminine paradigm or breaking the mold entirely. Why can’t there be an in between, especially in military relationships? You can support your sailor, do the laundry, read Marie Clare and pursue your career goals. Don’t let anybody try to pigeon hole you into choosing only one

Quote of the Week: June 2

Just because there aren’t a lot of examples of military spouses pursuing your career choice doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Forge ahead and share your wisdom with others, because I guarantee you are not the only military significant other in that position. We are always stronger when we persevere, stick together and pay it forward.

The Entrepreneurial Spirit and Military Significant Others

It’s graduation season! That means lots of pictures of people in caps in gowns flooding your Facebook and a ton of life advice from commencement speakers.

Fashion designer Tory Burch gave the commencement address at Babson College this year. Tory built her fashion company from the ground up and is now using her success to help other entrepreneurs through her Tory Burch Foundation. Oh and she also makes really cute handbags.

Tory Burch

In keeping with her own experiences, Tory spoke about entrepreneurship. While you may not be an entrepreneur per se, I think that entrepreneurship advice generally applies to all military significant others. With the military lifestyle, you have to forge your own path. You have to be your own best advocate. You have to know how to operate under uncertain circumstances. You have to forge ahead where others may have given up. You have to be tenacious.

Need more proof that military significant others are like entrepreneurs? Let Tory herself define entrepreneurship: “Being an entrepreneur isn’t just a job title, and it isn’t just about starting a company. It’s a state of mind. It’s about seeing connections others can’t, seizing opportunities others won’t, and forging new directions that others haven’t. It’s about being entrepreneurial wherever you are and in whatever you do.”

The rest of Tory Burch’s advice on entrepreneurship and perseverance will certainly apply to military significant others as they try to forge their own career path amidst people who may not believe they can make it happen.

Here are some more great excerpts from her speech, but if you want to read the whole thing, click here:

“If it doesn’t scare you, you’re probably not dreaming big enough.

Here is what I’ve learned: We may live in an age of instant messaging, instant gratification, and Instagram, but there is no way to short circuit the path to success. It takes hard work, tenacity and patience.

There are many things you can do overnight. You can write a decent paper. You can put the finishing touches on a runway show…..But there is no such thing as an overnight success.

It’s a myth that glosses over what being an entrepreneur is all about. As Biz Stone, one of the founders of Twitter, put it: “Timing, perseverance, and 10 years of really hard work will eventually make you look like an overnight success.”

The good news is that if you’re willing to pursue your passion, put in the hard work, and believe in yourself, you will succeed.”

Quote of the Week: May 27

I think that one of the hallmarks of a successful military significant other is being able to turn all the challenges you face into positives. You have to see opportunity in the obstacles and use those to drive your success. Are you worried about the military moving you all over the country? Use your knowledge of that fear to start a company that helps people relocate. There are so many chances to turn the negatives into positives and keeping up that attitude will be key to turning your military struggles into successes.

Becoming a Thought Leader

Technology can be a military significant other’s best friend. It allows us to establish ourselves in ways other generations couldn’t, such as becoming a thought leader.

A thought leader is an expert in a topic who shares their expertise and insight widely, especially through social media. It is about building your “brand” as someone who knows a lot about a topic and can be trusted with good opinions and analysis worth sharing.

Basically, you share your knowledge with the world and in return you are seen as trustworthy, knowledgeable and informed. Having this reputation or “brand” can help establish you in your career of choice right from your living room. All it takes is setting up a blog or a Twitter account and letting your expertise show. You can establish yourself as a “go to” person through a combination of her skills, expertise and willingness to share.

Brazen Careerist has some tips on how to become a thought leader. They have a whole article on the topic but here are their 6 main tips:

1. Tie it all together: Your company, your blog and your company’s history can be tied into the larger, global conversation. Almost any news item can be linked to your own business.
2. Deliver a coherent message
3. Make it participatory
4. Content rules the board: Your message needs to spread far and wide…the more people share your content, the more buzz you’ll receive.
5. Tell a gripping story: Give people something to aspire to, learn from or explore.
6. Get help from the world: You can draw from the resources right at your doorstep. Use your network.

Establishing your brand online as a thought leader can be a good way to strengthen your credentials when you are applying to your next job. Because all it takes is an interest in a topic and a computer, it can be done from anywhere and therefore is a good thing for military significant others to think about. Braning yourself as a topic expert might just help you land a really cool next job, or just make the job hunting process go a bit faster!

Thank You For Persevering

On this Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I don’t just want you to think about all you have done to support the military. Think also about what you have done for yourself. You are more than just holding down the fort at home. You are more than someone who just waits by the phone. If you are reading this, you are also someone who perseveres. You are someone who uses the strength you learn from military life to better yourself.

There are a lot of articles out there saying thank you for waiting until your soldier gets home. Yes, thanks for that. However, it is important to also read the articles that encourage you to use your mental fortitude for something other than idleness. For indeed that strength exists inside all of you. I applaud you for using it to better your own life while simultaneously “holding down the fort”. Thank you for seeing opportunity when others just see weakness.

I will leave you with this article from fellow military spouse (and veteran!) Vivian Greentree entitled “Observe Military Spouse Appreciation Day by Employing Them.” She highlights how adept we are at turning our ostensible flaws into veritable advantages:

Military spouses have something called grit, and it’s invaluable in the labor force. You can teach someone how to operate a computer program, or format a presentation; but you can’t teach them to care about what they’re doing, thinking of what they do as a way to change the world. Military spouses understand that service and sacrifice go hand-in-hand with citizenship. They know small actions have big consequences. They facilitate, they adapt and they thrive. They are leaders.